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[ 9/16/2025 ]

so i assume most reading this heard about the assassination of Charlie Kirk last Wednesday (at the time of writing). as you can imagine, i was not too fond of the guy for various reasons, most of which concern me and people that i care about- so there wasn't much in the way of my own tears being shed for him.
i never wished for the guy to be killed, especially in the way that he was and the people who had to witness it. my condolences go out to his family and loved ones, regardless of moral and political beliefs. his kids lost a dad and his wife lost a husband right in front of their eyes, and that is objectively pretty fucked.

i made my jokes and spoke my feelings towards him (as my constitutional right states i am allowed to do) and then just kinda moved on from it. i expected some kind of mass outrage and a doubling down on targeting minority groups to blame for the murder, but other than that, i was not going to concern myself much with it and move on with my life.
come the following day, my mom and i had plans to go out to lunch. we'd both made a point, starting a few weeks back, to go out every week and do or eat something new. i guess this was supposed to be like a bonding experience.

for some background; me withstanding, my family is very conservative. always has been to my recollection. we went to church when i was little, spoke the word of God with frequency, and tried our best to stand with the life lessons and morals the bible taught us.
around the time i hit puberty (12-13), i started questioning my faith and whether or not God was even real. i hadn't exactly been through much hardship or been exposed to enough world events to be having thoughts like that, but i was a lonely tween with too much time on her hands and unrestricted internet access at far too young of an age, so my mind wandered frequently.
i had come to the conclusion that i was no longer interested in following the branch of christianity i was taught as a child, and it has stayed like that since. i've went through bouts of being an atheist, questioning my faith, having mild mental crashouts about it, so on. as it stands now, i am agnostic in my beliefs. i have no convincing evidence that God does exist, but i haven't ruled out the possibility of a higher being responsible for the creation of the world and human life.

i told my mom this, and to say she was devastated is an understatement.
"why? what have you been reading that makes you feel like that? is it that computer? the evidence is all around you, every day. how can you question when it's so obvious?"
i had mostly nothing in response. it was a chain attached to my leg that i felt the need to break out of, and so i did. that's how i felt.
following this, she made a point to double down on preaching the word of God to me whenever she could, even if it wasn't relevant to the conversation we were having. though annoying, i tolerated it because i felt she did it out of a sense of care and want for my place in the afterlife to be secured, had i ever changed my mind about christianity. the kind of things you would expect a mother to do.
despite my beliefs in religion withering, i was still quite conservative around this time and up to my late teens. Donald Trump was running for the first time, and i was onboard for it all.

thus follows a very, very miserable period of my life.

throughout my teens, i was indoctrinated into what has become understood to be a subculture of alt-right political ideology, known as a "groyper". my mother or family were not directly responsible for this, but they did plant the seed of MAGA conservatism and unrestricted internet access that would lead me into adopting these heinous ideologies. these thoughts made me think the entire world was out to get me. i was a white man being oppressed by SJWs, immigrants, queers and the poor. and so i ended up making friends with people who thought very similar to me. they could be found in all kinds of places: garry's mod cinema servers, 4chan boards, early discord servers, lobbies in various popular video games i played, etc.
to make a long story short, i did eventually break free of the horribly oppressive environment i had built for myself. there was still bouts of conservative ideology that was hardwired into my brain from childhood that, even to this day in the form of interalized transphobia, i'm still attempting to claw out.

the thought of being another gender initially was disgusting and wrong to me, but as being trans do what being trans does, the thought never actually left me alone. i just got better at burying the thought behind layers of self-hatred. eventually though, i realized "what is the point? why am i doing this to myself?". thus began a journey of figuring myself out.

at first i was bicurious
then i was pansexual (this is when i dated my first truly queer person around 2020)
then i adopted the concept of pronouns, using he/him.
then he/they.
then any pronouns.
...and you can probably figure out the rest.

around late 2023 is when i finally allowed myself to genuinely question my gender identity. the thoughts came quickly and aggressively. it was crippling & overwhelming. i would frequently break down crying and screaming into a pillow until my voice gave out. no matter how much i tried to change about myself: my style, my weight, my haircut- none of it made a lick of difference long term. i would always come right back to hating the way i looked in the mirror. feeling entirely disassociated from the body that i occupied.
did the internet and the things i read indoctrinate me into thinking i was born in the wrong body? that i was assigned the wrong gender at birth? "indoctrinate" seems like an awfully malicious word to use. i think it certainly helped open up the concept to me and gave me a way to understand all this self-hatred i had for so, so long, but what i felt was entirely my own head and soul.
nobody told me to be trans or that i was trans. i was surrounded most of my life with those that told me i would go to hell and that i was mutilating myself. why would i ever want that for myself? it sounds awful!

i sat with these thoughts for a while. around december 2023 or january 2024, i told my younger sister that i was questioning. i went to her first because she's the closest i've had to a consistent in-person friend in my life, and i thought she'd be willing to at least reason with me on this very sensitive subject. she was also quite conservative, very religious, and a misandrist, but the relationship i had with her at this time gave me some semblance of hope that she could understand where i was coming from.
she was understandably shocked, but her response was a lot more measured than you would expect coming from someone with her background and beliefs. i had asked her to please keep this a secret from our parents, and to refer to me correctly when able. only one of those actually ended up coming true.
to my knowledge, she did hold up her end of not telling my parents anything, even as i started becoming visibly more... "queer", let's put it like that. however, she had very little way in the respect for my pronouns. it was obvious to me very quickly that she viewed me as nothing more than a gay man, but would still begrudgingly refer to me by non-binary pronouns, when my preferred was still they/them. these views then turned into harmful jokes and intentional misgendering, simply to get a reaction out of me.
once i fully figured out that i was a woman and adopted she/they pronouns, i told her about this. she was devastated, feeling like she lost her brother. that sorrow later turned into a masked despise. she would still refer to me as he and, on occasion, they- completely disrespecting my wishes and gender identity. this, of course, upset me quite a lot. i was not asking much out of her to begin with, and had made it very clear that i understood how big of a shock this must've come as, and that she was rewiring some-20 years of knowing me as one thing. i was more than willing to be patient with her, allow time to process, and let her make mistakes. that generosity was taken advantage of and used to put me down.

inevitably, we had a falling out and i stopped speaking to her for the better part of 2 months. randomly one day, while i was in the pantry looking for something to eat and on the phone with a (now ex-)friend, she randomly came up behind me, hugged me tight and said "i love you no matter what", then left. i stood there in shock for a good couple minutes, trying to process what the hell just happened. did she come around? what changed during that time? not too long after, i confronted her about why she, out of seemingly nowhere, stopped being angry at me. with an annoyed sigh, she told me that the mental weight of having a severed relationship with her only sibling (that she actually "likes") was too much to bear, and that she'd rather keep me around than get incredibly hung up on my gender identity. she made it clear that she was still obviously not happy and could never accept me as her sister, let alone a woman, but that she was willing to mostly put it aside to maintain a relationship with me.
being as desperate as i was for any kind of validation and the crippling weight of the amount of loneliness i was experiencing at this time- despite the blatant transphobia, i accepted the situation and moved on.

fast forward to october 2024: i had left my job at goodwill in early july due to immense amounts of overworking with no increase in my pay, an assistant manager that actually cared about me leaving, and intentional misgendering by management whenever they'd get upset at me for making a single mistake (or not willingly overworking myself by the end). i was taking a break from work in general, trying to enjoy some time off. my brain had other plans though.

i wanted to come out to my mom.
she had already asked me about the makeup i was wearing, the way i was styling my hair, and so on. i lied my way through it all, just so i could allow myself more time to prepare for the inevitable. the thought had been ever present, but around this time it came become overbearing. how would she react? would she be willing to put aside her religious and political beliefs to understand and support her own child? what would happen to me?
it became too long to bare. i was driving myself insane holding it in. she deserved to know the truth. she's my mother, and the only real role model i ever had in my life. if anybody had to know, it was her.

november 11th, 2024, at 1:17pm was the moment i walked into her room and got ready to tell her just exactly what was happening with me. i had texted her some minutes prior asking to speak about something very important. she said yes, but to give her a couple minutes to finish a conversation with my grandmother.
i was shaking in fear. it felt like, with how hard and fast my heart was beating in my chest, that i could die from the anxiety at any moment.
i asked her if she meant it when she said that she would really love me no matter what. she responds with "of course i love you, no matter what. love doesn't shut off". she asks if i killed somebody, i say no. we sit in silence for a minute while i work at trying to make the words come out of my mouth, but i could not bring myself to do it. i asked her for a pen and something to write on. she hands me a napkin and a sharpie. i write "I'm trans", then after a minute of hesitating, i give it to her.

"why do you think that?"
i break the timeline down to her, how we got to this point, how i've been feeling, emphasizing that i was more than willing to be patient with her while she processes this. i couldn't possibly imagine the amount of shock and grief she was feeling.
i ask for one thing and one thing only: to please respect me as the person i am now. i didn't want validation, attention or anything else.
what follows is an hour of maybe the most heartbreaking conversation i will ever have with anybody.
she tells me God did not make a mistake with me.
that being trans was a recent fad that i had been indoctrinated into by people on the internet.
asking if the reason i "wanted to be" trans was because i couldn't take the societal pressure and responsibility of being a man.
asking if i believe i could just be a man with feminine qualities and likes- she compared it to being a tomboy for ciswomen.
insisting again that i had too much time to myself and that i was indoctrinated.
comparing my situation to my younger sister's coming out as transmasc at a young age (which i firmly believe was used simply as a coping mechanism for a traumatic event that happened).
telling me that i am abnormal and mentally unwell.
comparing my transition to identifying as a rabbit and shitting on the floor or a monkey swinging from vines in a congo.
getting angry at me for voting for Kamala Harris as president elect that year.
telling me about the amount of trans people that have "regretted" transitioning and taken their own lives because of it.
telling me i need deep counseling and therapy (more or less saying i need conversion therapy).
she threatens to tell my dad and the entire family about this. i am of course worried at the prospect of my dad finding out he no longer has a son. but i decided that i'll just take it as it comes.

you get the point.
needless to say, the conversation was a disaster. my mom compared me to an animal, shamed me for my voting decisions, and outright rejected my existence as a woman. every fear that i had came true, and i was in shambles.
i stormed off into my room and started violently sobbing, wishing i wasn't born this way and that maybe i was a victim of indoctrination. it very quickly spiraled into a deep depression that i struggled to claw my way out of.
the following day, i came back from the bathroom and left on my desk was a bag of McDonald's and a napkin that had "We love you." written on it. i was so confused and left with even more questions. did my mom understand what she did? did she come around and realize that it's actually okay to support me? i had no idea, but i was still gearing up to detransition regardless. that was until...

well...

i watched "I Saw the TV Glow" the following night.

i don't think there's been anything in my life that i had violently sobbed at for nearly 20 minutes straight. this movie had me in fucking shambles. to make matters worse, i was in a call with 3 other people that had to very uncomfortably listen to me bawl my eyes out.
if you've seen it, i don't really need to explain why exactly i cried so hard at it. if you haven't... what the hell are you doing reading this? go watch it.
it gets said to utter exhaustion about so much media, but i genuinely believe that movie saved my life. i was ready to give up on it all. if my mom couldn't love me as i was, then there wasn't a point in continuing to live that way. that movie showed me just how much i was going to regret the rest of my life if i didn't take action now.

"the time will pass anyways."

it was an ugly reality i had to confront, but one that saved me. as such, i carried on being the truest version of myself.

my mom and i had another confrontation later that month, on her birthday. i was getting ready to go out to dinner with my family, doing my makeup and all. she came in and told me to take the makeup off because "it makes people look at us" and "it makes us very uncomfortable". for once, i stood my ground and refused. there was nothing wrong with what i was doing. we broke out into an argument that had her complaining about how a "wave of wokeness" had overtaken and corrupted me, that she was going to tell my dad and threatened with kicking me out if i didn't stop doing feminine things, and then she said i was no longer allowed to go out to dinner with them. i said "fine" and she stormed off.
i can't pretend like that didn't affect me a little, especially the thought of losing my only place to stay at the time. i had my cry, wiped the makeup off while they were gone, and made a vow to myself that i was gonna boymode for the sake of my own safety and housing situation.

detransitioning did pop back into my mind temporarily, but i quickly shook it off with the assistance of some friends that grounded me back to earth after telling them.

and that's how it stayed until now, as i am writing this.

things (somewhat) went back to how they were, and i just kept chipping away at my social transition. i picked voice training back up, i changed my name (twice), started hrt on april 4th of this year, and got into a relationship (my first in 5 years!) a little over a month ago. things were going okay, despite the ever rising tension from the Trump administration raining hell on this country.

finally back to present day.
i asked my mom if she was ready to go, and she told me to sit down. i did, and she asked me if i knew what happened the day before. i said yes. she asked me what my thoughts were on it and Kirk as a person. i gave her my honest opinion (which you can scroll back up and read if you need a refresher).

remember when i said that coming out to my mom was the maybe the most heartbreaking conversation i've had? this might top it.

what proceeded was an hour or more of her screaming the most excruciatingly awful things she could possibly accuse me of, with pure and utter hatred in her eyes, tears welling from them.
i was told that i had no empathy. that i was soulless and i didn't care about anybody but myself.
she accuses me of wanting to not only kill people that oppose my political ideology and morals, but to kill her and the rest of my family in their sleep.
she accuses me of being a nazi.
i get told that i am a demon and the anti-christ incarnate walking in her house.
i'm accused of stealing money from my dad.
tells me that i am lazy and worthless, that i don't do anything in the house.
that i am a disgusting freak who wants to mutilate myself.
she tells me i need to repent for my sins, or else i'm being sent straight to hell with no chance to ever see her again after we both go.
i'm threatened with the prospect of being kicked out of the house, and i am told that i'm no longer allowed to go with them once they move sometime next year- leaving me homeless and entirely on my own.
and she threatens harm against my significant other for "corrupting" me.
there's more to it, but that conversation was so traumatizing that i can't really remember much more than the most impactful things.

this was all because:
1: i felt little to no sympathy for Kirk himself.
2: i'm transgender.
and 3: i have socialist ideologies.

i tried explaining and reasoning with her, but i couldn't even get a full sentence out without her screaming at me about how terrible of a person i am. then she had the gall to ask me why i blankly stared at her and hardly said anything.
she threatened again to tell everybody about me, my beliefs and my gender identity, and then told me to go so she could talk to my sister.
i went back to my room, locked the door and almost immediately started bawling. i felt like i had just lost my family. that my one and only mother had more or less disowned me. i was so scared, and i still am.
i kept bawling for some days after. today's been the first day i haven't cried about this. (this was a lie. i cried while writing this.)

i fortunately have a backup plan in place, even in the worst case scenario of me going homeless. my amazing girlfriend has offered to pay for me to move with her, preferably somewhere in the country that's far more trans-friendly. i'm still working towards getting a job (easier said than done in this god awful job market) and having the ability to pay for the move out of pocket as much as i can.
now is just a matter of trying to survive the next year without causing too much trouble. i've been mostly hiding in my room the past couple days, and the few times i do come out, i keep my head down and my mouth shut. i'm making it a point to go outside and get away from the house as much as i reasonably can under the Arizona heat. fortunately it's beginning to cool off, so i'll have that opportunity more readily available to me.

my mom will probably never read this, and even if she did, she wouldn't care or say that i'm lying about everything. but in the astronomically rare event she does and is willing to hear me out, this is what i want to say:

i have not lived a physically hard life. it's been very plush and comfortable thanks to the work you & dad put into keeping me fed, hydrated, bathed and housed. however, it has been mentally tolling mostly due in part to you two.

i have been emotionally neglected by the both of you. everytime i went to you with something i was really interested in, or my feelings on something, i would either be ignored or it was written off as something i needed to get over because i'm a man, and men are just supposed to suck it and pull themselves up by their bootstraps.
i was told i was being a drama queen because my reaction to our backyard being tp'd.
i was told i was a stupid emo because of the music i listened to.
i was told that my sorrow, over my first breakup with a person i genuinely cared about, didn't matter, because it was an online relationship and "those aren't real".
you always disregarded my interests as weird, disturbing and "not for you".

dad, you all but abandoned me after i hit puberty. you said you didn't want to make the same mistake your parents did with you, but you did. now you're so opposite of my moral and political beliefs that it actively gets in the way of us ever repairing our relationship. would you being in my life more prevented me from figuring out i was trans or adopting leftist ideology? it may have delayed it, but this was an inevitability regardless.

mom, you were my role model in my life. the person i looked up to, that i aspired to be. you are such a strong person, dealing with the atrocious hand you were dealt with your childhood and marriages. you hate the way you look, and you reflect that judgment of yourself onto other people. i don't know how you see it, but you are a beautiful woman, and i am so happy that as i continue my transition, i'll look more and more like you. thanks for the good genes btw lol.
but you have similar trappings as dad. you were not emotionally available for me. for more understandable reasons, granted, but i still felt largely shunned and cast out by you because i was different. you have made an attempt to reach out and be my friend more recently, but i feel that it's only because you're trying to get back a version of me that no longer exists, so i continue to feel emotionally distant from you.

i'm not sure what has exactly happened to the both of you over the past 10 years, but it feels like i'm losing you more and more to radicalization every single day. neither of you used to be this way. i feel like oligarchs stole my parents from me, and in their place are spiraling black holes of hate and malice for the world at large.

i miss you guys. i want you both back so bad. you had your problems back in the day (that i am pretty critical of in hindsight), but i still felt loved and wanted. now? it feels like you'd rather have a dead son than a living daughter. that feeling of love and want is so absent, and it breaks my fucking heart.
i hope that, by the grace of the lord himself, you guys find yourselves again.

this is not normal. nothing about this is normal.
please come back to me.



if you managed to make your way down here: thank you so much for taking the time to read this. i want my story to be known, in the event that something happens to me before i get to move out or if another queer person suffering from domestic mental abuse can know that they are not alone in their struggle against overwhelming odds.

if you want to, i am currently accepting donations through Stripe and PayPal via my ko-fi page to assist me in moving out.
do keep in mind that i have a way out no matter what, and i am actively looking for work, so please do not feel obligated to donate or feel any guilt for not being able or wanting to. some people have voiced their want to support me, so i am leaving that as an open option.
if you do choose to donate, i will happily sketch anything of your choosing (within reason, dm me on discord for more details).
thank you so much to the people who have already donated. you assist in keeping my hope for this world and my own life alive.

https://ko-fi.com/pazantine


trans rights <3

[ 8/21/2025 ]

I SOLD 40 HOURS OF MY LIFE THIS WEEK
FOR THE PRIVILEGE OF NOT STARVING TO DEATH

OUT OF OFFICE
OUT OF HOPE
OUT OF SEROTONIN

CLOCK IN | ZONE OUT | DIE

[ 7/16/2025 ]

just trolled my mom by coming out as her daughter #transrights #owned #tranny #jackingoff lol #fuckingapumpkin #blahaj #dirt #waterwithoutany #bloodtransgender fusion $#moneysackbigupstothemoon #gluefactory #conservativeandproud #ronald #re # gan #thewaronisreal XD >=3 <--- just a preview into my TWisted & DEMTENDD mind !!!! investigate 9/11 what if we missed something new half mac video coming soon

[ 7/4/2025 ]

happy 4th

[ 6/21/2025 ]

top ten things i really do not like:

[ 6/18/2025 ]

why have we collectively accepted to call any form of digitally distributed media - youtube videos especially, "content"? what happened to things being art? do we really value the mass amounts of beautiful work readily accessible to us that little? "content" implies that something is of no value, merely existing to contribute to the endless landfill that is consumerism - and for some stuff, this is true. but we are now at a point where all media is being considered as such, and it ends up being somewhat demoralizing for artists.

i would never call my videos "content". there is love, passion, and a lot of time put into making each one of them (sometimes :p), and i do it knowing i do not financially benefit from any of that work i put it. it's simply because i love to express myself in my art, and i want other people to see that. it's part of the reason i made this website, this blog-esque page.

it's very sad to me that we've allowed all this hard work and energy to be dumbed down into something intended for the absolute lowest common denominator, and i unfortunately cannot see that changing with how prominent social media is, and continues to be, in a modern day society.
that being said though , i will never stop creating and i will never stop putting all my personality, passion, and love into it. i make art. we all do. that should never be up for debate. it's one of the only things that makes us recognizably human, and i think that's really cool.

[ 6/8/2025 ]

'cause i walk onto the water, buzzing with electrolytes and sacrilege, to be praised for my plastic lack of inspiration, i get that this is heinous - to burn up on re-entry and call the state a traitor, but i guess that's only half the accustation - in hindsight, i was lost and didn't have a map to recreate it, the home you said you came with. a moment of weakness, labeled "revelation".

[ 6/1/2025 ]

stepping on a whoopie cushion in Lethal Company "this is me on a friday night" - Bella

[ 5/30/2025 ]

happy pride month! this year is particularly special for me since it'll be my first as a fully out transwoman, and i can't truly put into words how grateful i am to be here, with people that love me, care for me and validate me. even while the entire world stares us down and attempts to eradicate queers from existence, we still stand and fight. our resistance is more important than just defending our own rights - it defends the rights of everybody, because once we go down, everybody will follow suit. it's all according to the plans of the elite. oppression is the #1 way to make more money, and they can never have enough of it.

if you're reading this and are queer and/or queer supportive: thank you. things are dark currently, but it can only ever get better in time. stay strong, keep fighting. i love you. <3

[ 5/21/2025 ]

2.4.2 now optimized for mobile! yay! said i would never bother with it, but i find myself frequently visting here on my phone and realizing how uncomfortable it is to use. i'll make small adjustments over time, but it should be both better to navigate and to read now. some additonal style changes also made to the top and bottom nav bars so they look a little prettier~

therapy tomorrow! very nervous, but also very excited. another step in my new life as a newly found woman. <3

i had taco bell last night and it was pretty good. they put way too many tomatoes on my chalupa though and it spilled all over the place when i bit into it. i should've gotten the fiesta potatoes instead of nacho fries.

[ 5/16/2025 ]

challenging me to a moan-off will only result in a loss the kinds of which would shake the earth to its very core. be prepared......... very prepared............

[ 5/15/2025 ]

new site layout! yippie! carrd's free plan limits the shit out of me, so i'm unfortunately stuck to only 3 pages, among other things - but this still provides as a good base to code off of. will probably pay for their pro lite plan, pull the html and css and whatnot off and start from there.

"Weak men with rotting ideologies rule the world. The casual cruelty and sweeping scale at which the everyman is subjected to their will and wants is impossible to fully comprehend, yet the callous carelessness of their actions has become abundantly clear in the last few months thanks to the likes of a ketamine-addicted slug who wields a “chainsaw of bureaucracy” or the official White House account tweeting out AI art in the style of Miyazaki depicting the deportation of undocumented (or even perfectly legal!) people. It’s not enough that these people can go anywhere, do anything, be anyone; they are black holes that can never be full. How else can you explain, in the face of all this money and power, tearfully padding Path of Exile 2 stats for the approval of Fellow Gamers or holding T-Pain hostage in the studio with a broccoli cut to record a joke cover twenty years too late? These people aren’t happy; they are sad and numb and lonely." - Sputnikmusic's review of Deafheaven's Lonely People With Power

came about it last night and was kind of awestruck at how well written it is. cool stuff.